Carnet de Padres · Free practice for adults

When things go wrong: support without labels

Two fictional scenes for adults supporting children aged 6–9: losing a game and receiving schoolwork with corrections.

One result does not describe a whole person. You can listen before correcting, separate what you saw from what you assume and offer help you can actually provide. Every loss or piece of work does not have to become a lesson.

A score or mistakes on a page do not tell us how much effort someone made. A complaint is not proof that they are making excuses, either. The next step might be looking at one part, asking for information or stopping, without withdrawing care.

A first response

Describe the fact: ‘The game has ended’ or ‘There are corrections on this work’. Ask whether they want to explain what happened, be heard or have help with one part. Check any unclear rule or instruction. Offer only available support and leave room for a pause.

Two fictional scenes

1. Eight years old: losing and questioning a rule

An eight-year-old loses a game and says, ‘That’s not allowed; you cheated.’ He does not want another game. The adult does not yet know whether someone broke a rule and does not automatically treat the complaint as an insult.

They could say: ‘What happened on that turn? We can check the rule. You don’t have to play another game.’ If a rule was broken, acknowledge it and consider what to do about that result; do not ask him to accept an unfair game. If the rule is still unclear, you can leave the result unresolved and stop.

The adult does not require congratulations, a smile or a rematch as proof that he can lose well. They do not arrange a loss to train him. A concern about fairness can be heard even when he is disappointed.

If he also throws a counter or uses a specific insult, separate that behaviour: ‘I won’t let you throw pieces at someone. I’ll move them away and stay here with you. We still need to look at the rule.’ Protect people without punishing the complaint or withdrawing care. A later repair does not require forgiveness or physical contact.

2. Nine years old: ‘I’m bad at this’

A nine-year-old receives schoolwork back with corrections and says, ‘I’m bad at this.’ The adult does not conclude from this scene that she did not work, is incapable or has anxiety.

They could say: ‘I can see corrections on this work; that doesn’t sum up who you are. Would you like me to listen or look at one part with you? We can stop for now, too.’ They do not dismiss her concern with ‘you’re a genius’ or promise better marks.

If she wants to look, choose one correction and check what the activity asked for. If the instructions, criteria or needed support are missing, the adult can ask the school for clarification through its usual channel. There is no need to add more exercises before understanding the problem.

If a deadline is near, name it without a threat: ‘This is due tomorrow; I don’t know whether we can sort it out today. I can ask what options there are.’ Do not invent available time, guaranteed adjustments or a teacher’s reply. Listening and maintaining support do not depend on finishing the work.

Alternatives to an automatic response

‘You always make a drama when you lose.’
‘You said a rule wasn’t followed. Tell me what happened.’ Describe the concern without a label and check the facts.
‘If you’d tried harder, it would be right.’
‘There are two corrections. Do we know what each part asked for?’ The result does not measure effort.
‘Now play again and congratulate the winner.’
‘You can choose not to play again. We can check the rule if you want.’ A pause does not require congratulations or a pleasant performance.

An optional rehearsal of about five minutes

You can do this on your own, shorten it or leave it. Use a fictional scene; do not create a mistake or turn an argument into a test.

Minute 1 · Describe
Choose a scene and say one observable fact. Remove ‘always’, ‘lazy’, ‘bad loser’ and any assumption about effort.
Minute 2 · Listen
Rehearse a question: ‘What happened with that rule?’ or ‘Would you like me to listen or look at one part?’ Leave room for no answer.
Minute 3 · Check
Separate what is known from what is missing: a rule, instructions, criteria or support. If you cannot check now, say so.
Minute 4 · Offer support
Choose available help: reading together, showing choices, writing a question or supporting a pause. Do not remove needed adjustments.
Minute 5 · Leave a way out
Rehearse an optional step, including stopping. Afterwards, review your words and support, not the child’s obedience or marks.

Other ways to take part

You can point to the move, show the rule, write a question, draw options or use the usual communication system. Agree what a pause signal means and allow time. Naming an emotion, making eye contact or repeating the adult’s words is not required.

Keep visual, sensory and communication support available. A less cluttered page or instructions read aloud may be options to check, not help that must be removed to test ability.

A practice sheet without a printer or submission

Think through the prompts or keep a few words in a private note. There is no download, account or submission. Use the fictional scene without names or identifying information.

What I observed:
What I am assuming:
My listening question:
Missing information:
Available support:
An optional step or pause:
What I will adjust in my response:

When protection or help is needed

If there are threats, hitting, repeated humiliation, fear or suspected bullying, prioritise protection and appropriate support. Do not ask a child to endure unfair treatment as practice in tolerance or finish the sheet before seeking help.

If distress or a difficulty recurs, worsens or affects everyday life, consult the school and appropriate professionals. One scene does not diagnose anxiety or learning difficulties. In immediate danger, use local emergency services.

What to review yourself

Did I listen before trying to fix it? Did I check the complaint? Did I assume effort I had not observed? Was my help available? You can choose one adjustment. Do not score your child or use the result to measure your worth.

Frequently asked questions

Is saying ‘you cheated’ always harmful?

No. It may refer to a broken rule. Listen and check what happened. If there is also a specific insult, a thrown object or other harm, set a boundary around that behaviour without silencing the complaint.

Must my child play again or correct the work now?

No. The next step is optional and can be stopping. If there is a real deadline, explain it and ask about available options without promising them.

Does this practice improve marks or treat anxiety?

That outcome has not been validated. This is an original educational proposal for the adult response; it does not diagnose or replace professional care.

Sources and scope

The topic comes from documentary research, not a customer survey. The scenes and sequence are original. UNICEF provides general context on relationships; EEF guidance addresses schools working with families. These sources do not validate the practice or endorse Carnet. Findings about Spanish families are not findings about all English-speaking families.

Prepared on 12 October 2026.